Hello Internet.

It's been a while since my last post. It makes me wondering what I have been doing lately. Actually, a lot of things have been making me upset recently. My best friend is back to her depression state and I can't do anything to help, I kinda lost focus on classes and such. I have a close friend with suicidal thoughts was all that she could be thinking about. I'm easily irritated nowadays and I seems to prone to sadness more than before.

Could it be I'm experiencing a state of depression myself?

Extrinsically, my life is kinda awesome. I travelled, A LOT. I have great friends here, I contacted my family any chance that I could and I somehow landed myself with a great group of friends that I proudly call my little family.

But deep inside, I feel empty, lost.

I have a lot of inner conflicts buried within me. People kept telling me that they would love to live my life right now but they didn't even bother to peek beneath the surface. I'm freaking out each time a friend confided in his/her problems onto me, making me somewhat obliged to help them out. Don't get me wrong- I'm truly glad they reached out to me but I myself didn't think that I'm the right person to give out advices when my life is messed up.

I've attempted to talk to my parents with what's been troubling me lately but I couldn't bring it up. I've been making them worry over me enough with my health problems and whatnot.

Truthfully, every single day that passed, I feel as though a part of me dying inside. Like a small piece of me chipping away as days passes. 

Anyway, despite the fact that someone's life looks fascinating like it's perfect, you never know how they're feeling on the inside. I have trouble of expressing my real thoughts (even to my family and closest friends) and it certainly has taken control of my every being and it's making it difficult to live life and just be happy. I was literally lying to their faces whenever they were asking if I'm okay when I was not. I hide behind a mask that I created a long time ago- I bottled up my feelings, my emotions until no one can tell the difference.

I honestly feel broken inside.

Physically sick.

I keep trying to tell myself that instead of dragging myself down to dirt, I should embrace what life has bless me with- what God has given me, and make the most out of this opportunity. It's an opportunity that the majority of people would never get easy as I've gotten it.  

I really need to somehow get up and find the confidence in me. The feeling of being not good enough, the feeling of not deserving the good things that have come into my life. The feeling of being a fraud- false person.

Well, that's how I've been feeling for a while.